Friday, May 23, 2008
constant reminders
Downed a half submarino sandwich with three meatballs snugly fitting the groove etched along the middle portion of the bread. Somehow I marvel at this clever preparation which I think, on the part of the chef, is pure genius. Not only did he fix the meatballs from rolling out, he also took away some of the bread I actually paid for. Somehow, I have a sneaky feeling these scraped portions are what they use to make the bread sticks the ubiquitous breadstick lady hand out for free. Free breadsticks minus "paid for scraped bread for meatball grooves" equal excellent marketing!
Best things in life are free but free comes at what price? Law of conservation of energy states that energy is neither created nor destroyed it only changes in form. I think this law applies to this homey Italian restaurant famous for throwing in free breadsticks to its dine-in customers. While we are at it why don't we stretch out the science babbling by drawing out a conclusion ala science report:
" I therefore conclude that what seems to be free is really not ?!" Sounds simple yeah but I couldn't agree more. Free will like create an imbalance which ultimately will have to be eased out by drawing away from something right? Free comes at a price. Apparently I am easily lulled into the false propaganda that free is free. Hey, where's the justice there? I take away all these stuffs and not give back anything in return? I'd be a complete fool buying into that. Have I gone so much spoiled receiving that I am incapable of giving back? Hey that is drawing away resources without replenishing. That just won't do.
My relationship history reads like a rather unbalanced balance sheet where the assets(my favor) don't tally with the liabilities and owner's equity(to the accounting purists don't read any further. I can see dismayed looks). Assets are greater than the liabilities and equities? Why that is just plain selfish. If there is an award for relationship selfishness I'll be a participant on that contest (Hey, I'm not a poster boy for worst case! Yes participant, not the winner. Cut me some slack).
May 20, Bibe gave me a rude awakening carefully illustrating how selfish I had turned out to be. I'm this selfish little monster clueless to what I have become having reaped free for how long I can't remember. Bibe would constanly go out of her way giving our relationship a much needed kick to keep the huge, stagnant relationship stone wheel going. Often she would come to where I was just so we could get the much needed together time dangerously waning because I had to this work I had to do that work. I had to do that work again I had to do this shit again. It was shit as shit can be but it don't matter, Bibe will be there. Bibe will make up for my absences. I can't come to her, she will come to me. How fucking convenient you fool(Yes I just talked to me)!
I felt time was my ally. I felt this could go on until I be able to find time off from work. When that time comes I be able to shower Bibe the affection she truly deserves, the effort from me she rightfully merits. My intention was sincere, I love her. The only knock on me was that I was taking my sweet time going about it. I was so awfully wrong to think that my sincerity will trump the snail paced manner with which I went by our relationship. Little did I know that this flawed thinking will pile up to too high a hill roadblocking my way to Bibe's heart and bitchslapping me back to the stone ages.
I saw it coming but did not act on it. Fuck me for being so callous as to think Bibe will understand forever. I was short of becoming spoiled. Anytime you have a headstrong smart lady like Bibe you better be alert with your actions. Women like these are for keeps and women like her know what they truly want and they can only take so much.
What ails me is that I have the foresight but I constanly procrastinate. I wasn't being introspective. I will constanly tell Bibe to wait, just wait until I find time. Now that is just bullshit. As I think about it now( I have all the time to introspect now that it's fucking over) I cringe at what I've done and I feel like hating me. If I were another person I truly would hate my guts. Bibe deserve so much more than being made to wait. Time is fucking short and I'd be silly to tug along my boat another person who wants things to happen now, not later. This fucking boat is sinking and I should know better than tugging another and letting her be on the same pickle I am in. I had better plug the holes lest I become ocean junk.
My inactions and Bibe's consequent action, while it has left a dent on both my mind and my heart, will one day be a lifesaver so long as I remedy my ailments I have now been made clearly aware of. It took Bibe to remind me that.
I am still in pain and agony. What hurts even more is that I've only myself to blame. It would've been a lot easier if Bibe did something bad, if she had been a two timer cause, if that was the case, my angst would have made the situation easier to swallow. I do not know the real story behind her and John Doe. I knew that John Doe and she were seeing each other the time we were together but only because I wasn't there and she needed company. John Doe was her friend and she assured me that they will only be just that. I had some apprehensions she was spending more time with John Doe but I made no effort to suppress that by being with her just so she wouldn't call on a companion. I was an absentee partner. I am not one to concoct conspiracy theories. Bibe was faithful so was I, but for the nth time, my good intentions doesn't justify the predicament I am reaping now because of my inactions.
With each day passing I couldn't just count on by itself: work, movies, reads, other activities just so I could forget the pain of losing Bibe to John Doe. I have to dabble on engaging on any of the aforementioned stuffs plus....plus..... making a constant effort of alerting my brain to block any memories of Bibe seeping through the cracks. It's a double securement thing. 1. Engange in any activity plus...in conjunction....2. Be on constant alert on Bibe memories seeping through.
It is painfully difficult. By doing number 2, the tradeoff of directing my energy to block the cracks is that I often find myself sporting the hundred yard stare. I think even my fellow workmates are beginning to notice how I will sometimes pause and look far beyond across nothing. During this time I am in the blocking mode. How is it done? I don't know. At this time my mind is like a two dimensional square; monochrome, and I just picture a cloud of white at the middle expanding like how an airbag would, occupying the whole square which for a moment there was black(the black one being memories of Bibe seeping in). I try oh so hard to keep the square painted all white, being on guard, preventing its collapse, keeping Bibe shut off for good.
I've to be always on my toes. I've to keep my guard up because the environment outside the office are constant reminders of when Bibe was still here. When Bibe took the time to come here and wait for me along one of the many surrounding cafes and restaurants. When Bibe was made to wait an hour off the promised schedule because work called for it. Everything outside the office reminds me of Bibe. Even this homey italian restaurant reminds me of the time we went here and of how I once wrongfully regarded Bibe's affection and love as breadsticks given away for free.
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