all fucked up

I'm all fucked up. I want to scream I want to shout I want to punch the wall-I just did, I want to run and scream and run and be oblivious to time, work, schedules, fuck fuck fuck!

I'm all messed up. I was barely sleeping before and then AFU comes strutting, rearing its ugly head and now I don't know if I be able to sleep at all. I couldn't imagine myself sleeping. Im afraid to cause sleeping will only be an extension of the reality that is NOW!!

Fuck! May 20, 2008 is just fuck! Fuck this date! I learned from my ex she's now with John Doe and they have been together just last week. Damn!!!

I hate to sleep cause im very sure sandman will get me seeing my ex as he did last night and you know how everything becomes oh so real in slumberland.

Fuck! I was AFU last night. Now, it's 4 a.m. and I'm afraid that at sleep, i'll see her again and I would cry a river just like in last night's terrible dream sequence.

I wouldnt want to feel the throbbing chest pains again upon waking up. The only consolation you get with bad dreams is that you realize it's not real soon as you wake up. But this one is! Damn! There is no escaping this. It's killing me and I don't know what to do.

Fuck TIME! Fuck the schedules! Fuck work! Work brought me nothing but headaches and ate the very essence of me. Work just set me back and stunted my social growth. All the toiling to foster "careeer" never did amount to anything but failed relationships, failed social life, failing health.

Fuck me for having known all of these earlier but never having done anything to address this fucking reality! Im fucking _ _ years old and I'm back to square one! Fuck all the wasted years. Fuck the wasted opportunities.

Whatever will I gain from the notoriety of being the first guy to spend more than 24 hours at work in the new and pompous office location? I was the first guy to spend the whole day at work 24hrs straight when we transferred to a new office building 5 years ago. Fuck me at that time for taking pride having pathetically achieved that feat. Well, fuck me now for referring to it as "feat". Fuck me for treating it as a record of sorts. Fuck me for neglecting my social growth in exchange for logged office hours!

I wish I could channel the bad news away. I wish like a thumb drive I could conveniently select memory sectors and delete the ones I choose to forget. Yesterday up til now I can barely do anything. At work Im practically a swipe in-swipe out guy and outside, on the commute, I am drowning in pain and in sorrow and I'm getting my regular dose of chest pains. Fuck me for not getting a good grip of my Bibe. Fuck me for having neglected her. I love Bibe so much and I wish she had just known. I dont think I did a good job of making my love known. Of making her know. I went about it in my fucking abnormal misguided way with my fucking patented weird train of thought thinking she would understand just because my honesty will ultimately shine through to patch up and cover my obvious deficiencies.


Fuck me for thinking she knows! Fuck me for assuming! Fuck me for thinking I will in the end have my " HONESTY will ultimately shine through" moment and all will be well. It never did come and it never will. Fuck me for that! Fuck me for not getting a good grip of Bibe. Fuck me for losing the very person I was planning the future for. Fuck how I let it all slip away. Fuck me for thinking Bibe will understand. I've gone scot free several times before and now is my comeuppance. Fuck how I am seeing it all crumble now. Reality is hammering my head right this moment and physiology is in cahoots pounding my chest.

First time i got my heart broken was when I first learned chest pains ain't no good. They fucking hurt! It hounded me no end. It was like how blood will creep back to your numb foot and you can do nothing but let it finish. Yeah only this time it seems blood is taking his sweet ol' time going through the motion. Several years later and now it's first time all over again. Chest pains since yesterday chest pains as i write now. This ain't good for me.

Fuck me for having neglected Bibe and now she is with fucking lucky bastard John Doe! Fuck me for having planned what I will do for the next two years. How I will get back with Bibe just because I think we are still ok, we are cool with each other, she will welcome me back. Fuck for planning ahead yet neglecting the very person I was spending all the planning for. Fuck me for my misguided decisions and notions and fuck me for thinking that Bibe will understand how normal the freaking abnormal way with which I go by and plan my future!

Fuck! I am brimming with anger, there are shooting chest pains, and my face is fucking red.Fuck how I was diagnosed with malignant HBP just last week and yet i'm absorbing all these fucking HBP augmenters like a sponge! It ain't doing me good man, it ain't good for me. I dont think I'd be able to suppress the pain anytime soon. I'm a glutton for pain. Fuck!